all I know is that I hurt so much
I know I will be okay and I just need to give it time
but that doesnt change the hurt now
I want to stay friends but he doesn't act like he does
he says he is still coming to darien lake this summer 
so I guess that means something good
I miss him so much and I know its going to be hard
but its worth it and all of this eveyrthing I went through with him was worth it
I wont let people in for awhile and not as much 
but after awhile I think I will look back on everything and just smile
not cry anymore but smile
I will always love him I just have to wait for the day I fall out of love with him
Once I find that and he does*which I think he already did* then we can stay friends 
and be good friends 
I am hopeing anyways I just have to wait and see
I know I can move on its just going to take awhile
but I know that I will
I also know that right now I cant date anyone 
it wont be fair for them
I know what I want in my life and right now I am saying fuck guys
I am just going to work on getting my life in order
someday I will be happy again and I will let people in again
but until then I am going to cry some more
get it all out and just slowly move on
and then learn from this and make my next relationship work
I know I wont find the right person or the person I am going to spend the rest of my life with
right away but hopefully I can have a relationship that lasts awhile 
and hopefully I can learn to not push everyone away
just be who I am find someone who loves that about me
be happy and not push them away
and for now I will just keep doing what I am doing 
and getback to my old self the fun random not caring self
just go back to me
I changed I dont know when why or how but this isnt me
I never do this and I never am willing to change everything about me for someone
I never sat around and cried all day because of someone
I've always just cried and then went out and enjoyed life 
I'm not doing that and I want to go back and do that
so from now on I am going back to my old self
staying friends with Brandon but only being friends
yes it will be hard and I will miss him but 
I am moving on and I will be happy again some day
I just have to be okay with being friends and I think I can
I know I will move on I just need to not get frustrated and keep reminding myself
It will take time

thats all for now I am tired and my stomach still hurts
I need some sleep
atleast when I am upset I get alot of sleep, and not alot of food
so I get sleep and skinner 
see there is a plus to everything 
Goodnight Kiddies


Staind-Right Here


I know ive been mistaken 
but just give me a break and see the changes that ive made 
ive got some imperfections but how can you collect them all and throw them in my face
 but you always find a way to keep me right here waiting 
you always find the words to say to keep me right here waiting 
searching for the things to say to keep you right here waiting
 I hope youre not intending to be so condescending 
its as much as i can take and youre so independent 
you just refuse to bend so i keep bending till i break 
but you always fine a way to keep me right here waiting 
you always find the words to say to keep me right here waiting
 and if you chose to walk away id still be right here waiting 
searching for the things to say to keep you right here waiting
 ive made a commitment im willing to bleed for you 
i needed fulfillment i found what I need in you 
why cant you just forgive me 
i dont want to relive all the mistakes ive made along the way
 but i always find a way to keep you right here waiting
 i always find the words to say to keep you right here waiting 
but you always find a way to keep me right here waiting 
you always find the words to stay to keep me right here waiting
 and if i chose to walk away would you be right here waiting 
searching for the things to stay to keep me right here waiting

So Prom is in 3 hours.
Brandon is coming over in about 2
Hopefully this turns out alright...
Last night I went to my wifeys house and it was just what I needed to put me in a better mood.
I'll update more on that and prom tonight or tomorrow.
I'm going to Brandon's house after prom for a couple hours....this should be interesting
I don't know how well this is going to work
&& I'm haveing really bad mood swings right now
so this should be fun

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didnt do for you

Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see whats good for you

And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave
Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made
And like a baby boy I never was a man
Until I saw your blue eyes crying and I held your face in my hand
And then I fell down yelling “make it go away!”
Just make a smile come back and shine just like it used to be
And then she whispered “How can you do this to me?”

Happy Christmas

Didnt have the best day
Got my tree though
Im tired&& have a headache
I want made to be on and its not on all night
I feel like i had sex for like 20 hours last night everything hurts
I need sleep but i dont want to sleep
Im going x-mas shopping tomorrow...that should be interesting.

I now take comfort in this, i cherish you did you ever look did you ever see that one person and the suttle way that they do these things and it hurts so  much

( Ranting dont read if you dont want to hear it )

( When does that sad feeling inside go away )

OMG IM SO EXCITED :-D

Next sunday(the 16th) For The Horizon is playing at Club Tundra at 5pm and Im so going!!! :-D Its FTH, Merit, Caffeine, J Paris, and Another Day Late....Ive never heard of any of them Besides For The Horizon but I dont care im really really excited I love For The Horizon. Matt, Britt, Dan, and maybe Adam are all going! You should all come its going to rock EVERYONES socks!!!

( surveys..god i miss them )